


Don't Drink Kids, You Might Break Something

by FineDineFen



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, All logic has yeeted out the window, Crack, Drugs, Existentialism, Gen, Humor, I just make fun of the game, One Shot, One big goof, Yes I do love this game but it has problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-28 02:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15038492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FineDineFen/pseuds/FineDineFen
Summary: Hank as the misfortune of drinking some very questionable booze. Connor as to deal with Hank's nonsensical(?) shenanigans.





	Don't Drink Kids, You Might Break Something

He had to get into the Lieutenant’s house somehow. Sure he had to break a window to get in, but he had to make sure the man was all right. After a quick scan of his heart, he concluded that Hank was thankfully alive. He's death would severely slow down the mission… Actually maybe getting a new partner might make things so faster in the long run… But then there would be no Hank... No, no Cyberlife specifically assigned him to Anderson, so they must know what they were doing.

A scan of his lips and the liquid substance on his already stained were positive for Ethanol, and other variety of sugars, and yeast. He was merely blacked out, no replacement today. The best option was to wake him, after all, he still had a mission to do.

Connor lightly tapped Hank’s face to no avail. Time to pull out the big guns. 

SLAP! “Wake up, Lieutenant!” Hank made soft grumbling noises and lifts his head up.

“Uhhh… What....... Connor? What are… you doing here? Why is everything is colorful, it’s like I can see every pore!?” Hank’s words are slurred as his brain he is trying to put the pieces together. “How… How the fuck did you get in my house?” He grumbled. Sober Hank would have made an effort to sound intimidating, but with Drunk Hank, he just sounded really confused.

“Try to be alarmed, but the front door was locked, and when I saw you unconscious on the floor, I entered through your window to make sure you were ok.” Connor’s voice as bland as ever.

“You goddam broke my window?!” His voice slightly higher. He turned his head to the right to see rain leaking into his house and glass shards on the dusty floor. “You better pay for that you asshole or I will kick your plastic ass.”

“Don’t worry about that we have more important things to do. It’s time to sober you up cause we have been assigned a new case.”

Connor with gusto had to manually lift up the drunk Hank. Hank wasn’t helping, his body was limp as cooked pasta. But when Hank remembered how to use his leg muscles. He just tensed up, his face was that of shock. Hank was as stiff as a structure.

Connor wasn’t sure what was wrong with him. His heart rate was increasing, pupils dilated. But he already concluded that Hank was under the influence of Ethanol, and Ethanol was a depressant, not a stimulant. He darted his head and saw that familiar yellow box. He never question what it was, cause it always gave him clues. Scanning the unlabeled beer bottle…

Analysis complete. Minimal traces of Ergotamine, an alkaloid found in the Ergot fungus. The brewery must have used Ergot infected barley, whether on purpose or not. Ergotamine is know to have the same effects as Lysergic acid diethylamide, better know as LSD. The past fender benders and Hank’s soap opera backstory could have unpredictable effects. May rA9 have mercy on our souls. 

“Con- Bryannnnn… Bryan. What are you doing?… Get off of me.” Hanks words were even more slurred. He push off of Connor’s grash, and was now sloppy standing on his own two feet.

This made Connor’s eyebrows shift downwards. “Who are you referring too?”

“My god… are you really going to stream right now. I don’t like it’s... it’s unnatural.” Hank barked. 

“Stream? Lieutenant, you should lay down.” He could drag him to the bathroom to sober him up, but the man had psychogenic fungus in his brain, force was not the best option.

“Fine, fine. It’s not like I have a choice here.” Hank said. Connor had no idea what that meant or if it was supposed to be a threat. It was safe to say that the mission was postponed indefinitely. Connor had to make sure Hank didn’t kill himself by mistake.

On his own, Hank waltzed to the couch, with as much grace as you expect. But then proceed to sit on ground, claiming it to be more comfy. 

Connor was going to talk to Hank but then noticed a Detroit Today magazine on the kitchen counter. Without a second thought he walked back to the kitchen to look at it. The front cover was a picture of a wheat field. Connor didn’t read the title and went straight to flipping through the article. The article talking about the improvements in the food industry and quality control. 

Connor heard a thud and a Hank squabbling on the floor. “Why the hell do they even put fact fake pages in the mags if you just use the cover... Stupids millennials and their stupid aesthetics.” 

“Hey, get over here! All these video games are melting your brain!” Connor wonder why the lieutenant was saying this things. Was there a reason or was it just nonsense. On wait, his is a machine, he wasn’t supposed to think for himself. But then again, he was a detective, and detectives are all about thinking. Dang that’s enough thinking for one day. 

“Cole! Cole! Cole!” Hank was shouting, yet there was something off about it. It was more robotic. 

“Lieutenant! Is something the matter!?”

“It says fucken x too. It sets the moooood. I mean how else I am to be developed if I don’t have a dead kid?” With that line, Hank got up from his spot to go who knows where.

He glazed at himself at the mirror and froze in place. His eyes jointed from place to place. He was most definitely seeing some sort of halluctions.

“Bryan! Why are there so metal dots on my face!” He violently turned around to face Bry- I mean Connor.

“Oh my god, you have those dots and a stupid hat with more dots!” He paused for a slight second to glaze at the rest of Connor. “Why are you wearing that, that’s even worse! Put on more clothes then that.” Weep, Hank as lost it or more scientifically, Hank is in the peak phase of Ergotamine effects. According to Wikipedia, this phase can last for up to an hour, and the user can feel like they are in a different world.

Connor couldn’t decide which mysterious text option next to his face to chose before Hank starting to scream more.

“Why are we in this room. Is my existence just to entertain people! Did my son die just to give me a reason to hate androids! Who are this people! Curse you David Cage, you are the true villain! AHHHHH-”

Connor choice to karate chop Hanks neck to make him pass out again. It was the best option for everybody.

**Author's Note:**

> Joke explanation  
> Hank calling Connor, Bryan is cause Connors actor is named Bryan Dechart.  
> Hank telling Connor to stop streaming is a refers to when Bryan Dechart actually did live streams on twitch playing the game. Watching them was surreal.  
> Hank shouting Cole is refers to the infamous scene at the beginning of Heavy Rain.  
> The thing about all the dots is refers to the motion capture. Just look Detroit: Become Human behind the scenes if you don't understand.
> 
> The stuff about Ergot is slightly based on science. It is an actual drug but infusing it with alcohol is impossible. I just learn about it from watching a sam o'nella, plant disease video. 
> 
> I just hope someone finds this funny. This is my first time posting, and I hope that someone finds this funny. If you did find this funny, can you please comment why. I need to know what works and what doesn't.


End file.
